How we are using rites of passage to form our children with intention
Guiding the transition from childhood to adulthood
About five years ago, I began exploring the concept of rites of passages and their importance in shaping the next generation. Our eldest son was entering the last few years of childhood and we wanted to be well equipped for what was to come as he entered manhood.
One book that deeply impacted me during this journey was The Intentional Father by Jon Tyson. In it, Tyson emphasises a powerful truth: if we aren’t purposeful about forming our children with the values we hold dear, the surrounding culture and often their peers will do the forming for us. This idea challenged me to consider how intentional we must be in guiding our children through the key transitions of life with clarity, purpose, and spiritual depth.
In many other cultures, rites of passage are an integral part of honouring the child as they move into the next developmental phase of their lives. In many other cultures, the shift that occurs when a child enters man/womanhood is an occasion of celebration. Let’s look at a few different cultures and how they honour this:
Jewish: at age 12 for girls, and 13 for boys, a bat/bar mitzvah is a ceremony to welcome the child into their spiritual journey and signifies that they are now responsible for their own spiritual faith and actions.
Maasai (Kenya & Tanzania): boys undergo circumcision and a series of trials after which they are considered warriors. Girls have initiation ceremonies upon receiving their first menstrual cycle.
Samoan: traditional tattoos or markings are given to symbolise endurance, cultural identity and responsibility.
Islamic: upon puberty, a child is now responsible to God for their actions and can partake in prayer and fasting.
Australian Indigenous: Boys partake in rites such as “walkabout” or initiation ceremonies marking the transition to manhood.
Latin American: there is a major celebration marking a girl’s passage into womanhood, often including spiritual dedication, family blessing, and social recognition.
How is it looking in our society?
In the western world, what are considered rites of passage for young people? Maybe it’s getting your first job, getting your drivers license or becoming an adult at 18 and being allowed to legally consume alcohol?
Across cultures, the age of transition into adulthood typically falls around 12–16, often linked to puberty and spiritual, social, or physical readiness. What’s consistent is the need for intentional recognition, something many modern Western cultures have lost, and why reclaiming these milestones can be so powerful.
I believe the lack of spiritual and community significance in honouring these transitions can have negative consequences on a teenagers sense of self and belonging. It can lead to a lack of identity, a loss of guidance, prolonged adolescence, and a breakdown in the parent-child relationship. In cultures without meaningful rites of passage, children may “graduate” into adulthood based on age or physical maturity, but not emotional or spiritual readiness.
The term “failure to launch” is used to describe a situation where a young adult struggles to make the transition into independent adulthood. It’s not a clinical diagnosis, but a cultural phrase that highlights a delay or reluctance in taking on adult responsibilities. Some reasons could be emotional immaturity, over-parenting, lack of resilience, mental health illnesses or fear of failure.
Without purposeful guidance and challenge during childhood and adolescence, many young people lack the internal compass and external structure needed to step into adulthood with confidence. Many teenagers and young adults are showing signs of delayed maturity, a lack of purpose and aimlessness.
What is forming our children now?
Social media and influencers as identity-shapers
Academics and performance-based identity
Consumerism and individualism
Lack of moral framework or shared societal values
Peer pressures
If we don’t mark the passage into adulthood, how do our children know who they are and where they are going?
How to bring in rites of passage to help your children transition into adulthood
As we have seen, our society is generally doing a poor job in forming our children into emotionally strong, responsible and mature adults. Let’s take a look at how we can intentionally change this when it comes to this generation of children.
What rites of passage do:
Shape identity and purpose
Impart responsibility and values
Create belonging and clarity in transition phases
Put more responsibility on parents and other community members to form their children and reduce the over-reliance on pop-culture, peer approval and technology to form their identity
It will look different for every family and their values, but how can you implement some of these ideas into your child’s life? I will share what we did when our son turned 13 and our basic plan for his journey into adulthood. Now, let me say this - we are not experts in all of this, I have just had such a keen interest on the subject so have read and studied a fair amount. I know we will not do this perfectly, and at the end of the day, it is not a guaranteed way to raise a capable and purpose-filled young adult - however, being intentional with these next 6 years will help in some way (I hope!)
Our son turned 13 in January and to mark the occasion, we planned a meaningful day. In Tyson’s book, he speaks about how when a boy enters “manhood” the majority of the responsibility of the raising of the son now falls to the father. A woman cannot teach a boy how to become a man in the same way a man can. To honour this “handing over” of responsibility, I wanted to do something challenging and fun to mark the occasion.
On his birthday morning, my husband woke him up to climb the nearest lookout and watch the sunrise over the beach. He told him he was about to start an exciting journey and how as a family we are so proud of the man he is becoming. We had a special family breakfast (cinnamon scrolls of course). I bought a few mementos: an engraved brass compass and an oil lamp as a spiritual significance for him to remember the occasion by.
We set off to the nearest Treetops Adventure park and he and I did a high ropes course. It was extremely challenging and took a lot of courage for us both to complete it. My proudest moment was on the hardest course, I started to feel unwell (it was 38 degrees and the middle of a hot summer!) so I exited the course, but my son kept on going alone until the end. Watching him from down below complete the course and overcoming the challenging final obstacles was incredibly special - his sense of resilience and courage was overwhelming to see. We planned a big family lunch afterwards where his aunties, cousins and grandparents joined in too. It was a great day and time of intentionally celebrating this transition.
The journey over the next 6 years will encompass many teaching moments, physical and mental challenges, mentoring from other people in his world, father-son camps we are organising with some friends and many other plans to help form him in our family values and into a capable adult. I have a list of books we are going to read/listen to that will help shape his identity and values as well as some courses we will take him through. In another post, I listed practical skills we want to teach out children before they leave the nest, you can read it here.
Our daughter will be turning 11 in a few months and will inevitably be entering into the beginning of her womanhood. I am starting to think about how I can honour this transition as well. Now that we have a plan for our eldest son, I feel like I can start to plan how our daughters will be formed (we have four daughters!), so watch this space — I will share once I have more of a solid plan.
So far, I have plans to hold some sort of mother/daughter celebration night when she first gets her period where I will welcome her into the world of womanhood by having a fun night together, which will most likely involve chocolate, fluffy blankets and a fun movie. I feel that as a woman, there are so many negative connotations and experiences to do with periods and I want her to know it is actually a celebration that her body is doing what it was made to do. I don’t want her thinking it is embarrassing and dirty.
I have started to plan a “period box” where I will fill it with useful items such as pads, period undies, a cute hot water bottle, chocolate, tea and other fun items she will love. I have been very open with her about what to expect when her period comes and we have a few books we have been reading through together. When she started developing, I took her on a fun night out to buy some crop tops and enjoy a dessert just with me.
A word on the importance of father’s for their daughters development. The presence of a father in a teenage daughter’s life plays a unique and powerful role in her emotional, psychological, and spiritual development, particularly in identity formation. While mothers are deeply important and provide nurturing and modeling, fathers offer something distinct that complements this. A father is often the first man to affirm a girl’s value without conditions or romantic overtones. When a daughter experiences healthy attention, protection, and affection from her dad, she is less likely to seek validation from unhealthy male relationships.
A father helps validate his daughter's feminine identity through encouragement, words of affirmation, and respectful admiration of her uniqueness and strength. When a dad consistently communicates: “You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are capable”, he shapes how she sees herself. Daughters often use their fathers as the benchmark for future male relationships, whether consciously or subconsciously. A father who is present, emotionally available, and consistent helps his daughter form healthy expectations about how she deserves to be treated.
I hope this article encourages you to consider how you could mark your child’s transition into man/womanhood. As we walk alongside our children through the key transitions of life, may we not leave these sacred moments to chance or cultural default. Whether it’s through a sunrise hike, a meaningful gift, or simply creating space for conversation and celebration, our intentionality matters. These moments act as anchors in our children's stories, reminders that they are seen, loved, valued and called into something greater.
Rites of passage don’t need to be elaborate or perfect. What matters most is that they are thoughtful, rooted in your family’s values, and offer your children a vision of who they are becoming. In a world eager to shape our children without our input, let us reclaim our role as the primary guides in their journey to adulthood, with purpose, presence, and joy.
Notes:
While this article speaks to the general developmental journey of children becoming more independent and emotionally mature, I want to acknowledge that for some families, the path looks very different. Children with autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, or other neurological or developmental differences may require additional support, time, or lifelong care. That doesn’t mean intentional formation isn’t possible, it simply looks different. Every child deserves dignity and connection and to be seen for their unique needs, strengths, and pace. You know your child best, and you have been equipped you with what you need to parent them with grace and purpose.
I also want to touch on those families who do not have a present father figure. If your family doesn’t have a father present, know that you can still create powerful and meaningful rites of passage for your child. A trusted male mentor, grandfather, uncle, sports coach, or family friend can often step in to offer guidance and affirmation. What matters most is that your child feels seen, celebrated, and supported by loving adults who are intentional in walking with them through these transitions.
For paid subscribers, here is a Rites of Passage planning PDF with questions to ponder to help start your own families journey.